Coming Back to Life

When we bought our home, we had an inspector go through the house. He went under the house to check the foundation and found that over the last 28 years, the beams that supported the floor of our house were not tied securely to the foundation’s piers. The house would stand, but in the event of an earthquake, it may not hold together. We should have it looked at.
 
When was the last time you inspected your foundation? Many of us have been building our spiritual houses for 10, 20, 30, 50 years, so it may be time to climb under our houses, so to speak, and make sure everything is still tied together. I learned this the hard way twenty years ago.
 
I was working full-time and also teaching English at the university on the side. Students turned in 75% of their work during the last three weeks of the semester, so I was buried grading essays after work. I barely had time to breathe to meet the deadlines. In June, we were getting ready to move into our new home, so I was packing. The renters had trashed the house, so we spent July putting 60 gallons of paint on the walls. The new carpet didn't arrive, so we moved in without carpet; all our stuff went in the garage or out on the patio. I went on a business trip for a week, came home for a week, went on a missions trip to Central Mexico and lived in incredibly poor conditions for 2 weeks, and came home to an absolute mess. We also learned people had spent the summer secretly campaigning to fire my pastor-husband. By the end of August, I knew I believed in Jesus in my mind, but my heart was strangely dead.
 
I don't think I have ever been so dead. I could not think of one reason why someone should believe in Jesus. The straps securing my house to its foundation had come loose. Two months of exhausting work had squeezed my devotional time. My new home was in chaos. Open antagonism and hostile opposition at church had worn me down. We came to serve this church knowing it would be hard…now we were experiencing it. But I pressed on. What choice did I have? I was the pastor’s wife, the AWANA leader, the Bible study teacher. I had no time for a spiritual meltdown.
 
After two months of trying to regain my footing, I read Paul's prayer for the Ephesians, "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe" (Ephesians 1:18-21). It jumped off the page—I should pray that prayer for myself, "Open the eyes of my heart.” That’s what I needed, the eyes of my heart to be enlightened. Ever been there?
 
Providentially, I picked up Dallas Willard’s Divine Conspiracy and began reading where I left off two months earlier. It was a chapter on Theology. The truth of sound doctrine began reconnecting my spiritual foundation to its piers. The Holy Spirit used the words of Adam Clark (written in the 1800s) to breathe into my soul new life:
 
God is the eternal, independent, and self-existent Being;
the Being whose purposes and actions spring from himself, without foreign motive or influence;
he who is absolute in dominion;
the most pure, the most simple, the most spiritual of all essences; infinitely perfect;
and eternally self-sufficient, needing nothing that he has made;
illimitable in his immensity,
inconceivable in his mode of existence,
and indescribable in his essence;
known fully only by himself, because an infinite mind can only be fully comprehended by itself.
In a word, a Being who, from his infinite wisdom, cannot err or be deceived,
and from his infinite goodness, can do nothing but what is eternally just, and right, and kind.
 
THIS is my God. I needed to keep re-reading these truths until what I knew in my mind, I believed in my heart. Lord, open the eyes of my heart. Bring me back to life.
 
The Truth of sound doctrine tied my spiritual house back together. Amazingly, within a few days, the doubts I had struggled with for two months were gone, my faith was back, active and alive. I’m so grateful God had mercy on me, saw my struggle, and drew me back to himself through Adam Clark’s words. Graciously, he birthed in me a renewed passion, a new love for people, and a deep desire to share the good news. He answered my prayer.
 
I was struck recently as I read Jude’s word to believers in verse 22: "Be merciful to those who doubt." Often women in ministry don’t feel they’ll receive mercy if they are transparent about their doubts. It’s more likely we’ll be gossiped about or lose our job. If we find ourselves going through a season where our faith has been shaken off its piers, we shouldn’t have to hide. In fact, it’s dangerous to be all alone.
We need our sisters in Christ to come around us and show us mercy. If you don’t have a group of trustworthy sisters with whom you can be honest, get to know some of the women in NEWIM by coming to NEWIM ConnectsLive or reaching out for prayer. We’ll walk with you. We've been there.