Divorce
Information to guide someone through the process of navigating a possible divorce from the Christian perspective.
Dear Sister in Christ,
If you have come to this page on the NEWIM website, you may be struggling with your marriage. Maybe you fear your spouse is having an affair. Maybe you are experiencing more complex issues stemming from addictions, abuse or abandonment. Maybe your spouse has already decided to end your marriage and now you have no idea what to do.
Whatever the reason, we are sorry that you have found yourself in this position. Marital conflict can be completely overwhelming and divorce is not an easy decision. However, having some general information to guide you through the process can help in navigating this uncharted territory. You should seek a professional and competent attorney who is well-versed in family law to provide specific advice for your particular situation.
There is much to think about when you consider divorce. Many decisions will need to be made. And although some of them may be tough, having the right information can help your journey to a more hopeful future. As part of your initial research, this Divorce Education Kit has been compiled to help you make some preliminary decisions.
The first thing you may find helpful is a Preparation Checklist. The questions and information are specifically designed to facilitate your thought process if you are headed toward a divorce. The worksheet can help you organize your next steps.
Then you will find a list of divorce definitions. The process is complex and understanding terms will be beneficial.
There is a comparison of the divorce options. This will give you some idea of how each of the different options for divorce can play out.
Making the decision to divorce may still be in your hands, or your spouse may have already contacted an attorney. No matter which situation you are in, we hope this information will give you some confidence to move forward however the Lord is leading you. Should you wish to talk to someone who has been down this road, we have leaders who have been there and would love to extend confidential encouragement and prayer.
Remember, as you travel this dark valley, God's got this and you. We don’t offer counseling or legal advice—you’ll need a professional therapist and a competent attorney for those specialties. If you need to talk with someone, please give us a call: 408-218-8225.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4
NEWIM Leaders
Preparation Checklist
INITIAL QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
Is reconciliation or counseling possible?
Could marital counseling help?
Should I explore non-adversarial, non-court options?
Is it possible that my spouse would be willing to explore non-court options as well?
When everything has been completed, what do I hope the outcome will be?
Is my safety at risk?
EVALUATING YOUR DIVORCE PROCESS OPTIONS
Review Process Options (see below.)
Determine your options for this decision.
Google ‘Divorce Options’ & ‘Divorce Workshops’ in your area.
Attend a Divorce Options Workshop.
DETERMINING WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU
Control over decisions
Children/Family Issues
Financial Interests
Fees
Confidentiality/Privacy
Mutually beneficial outcomes
Length of time–Filing to Judgment
HIRING A PROFESSIONAL
Family/Friend referrals
Professional contact referrals (counselor, financial professional, etc.)
Internet Search
Verify attorney standing through the State Bar
CONSULTATION QUESTIONS
What are the benefits/risks/advantages/disadvantages of:
Litigation
Collaboration
Mediation
A hybrid model
What is your specialized area? How many years have you been practicing?
What documentation will you need from me?
What is the expected timeline and fee for completing this process?
What are the most common cost inflators? How can I minimize cost?
PREPARING FOR YOUR PROCESS (Detailed List below)
Gather/organize financial records.
Prioritize: finances, cash flow, parenting/co-parenting schedules.
Be proactive in divorce process and planning.
Get emotional support with a focus on lowering anxiety.
Focus on your children and don’t speak poorly of your spouse in front of them.
Family Law Definitions
LITIGATION: The traditional court option where both spouses retain lawyers who present their case to a judge. The judge is the final decision maker. Litigation is an adversarial process.
PRIVATE MEDIATION: A neutral professional assists both spouses in settling their disputes in an effort to create a "win-win" situation. The spouses control the presentation and decision-making in the case. Spouses commit to an open information-gathering process.
COLLABORATION LAW: Combines the positive qualities of litigation and mediation in a non-court, non-adversarial process. Each spouse has the advice and counsel of their own lawyer. All commit to an open, information-gathering process and a commitment to settle without going to court.
ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION (ADR): Ways of making decisions and resolving disputes, other than litigation (contested hearings), including collaborative practice, mediation, parenting coordination, arbitration and neutral evaluation.
DISSOLUTION: Meaning “to end” or “dissolve.” Often used interchangeably with the word “divorce” as in “dissolution of marriage.”
DIVORCE COACH: A divorce coach is a skilled professional, trained to manage a wide variety of emotions and issues that arise during divorce. Divorce coaching is not legal advice and not therapy. Divorce coaching is not about placing blame, finding fault or dealing with the past.
FINANCIAL COUNSELOR: This professional acts as a neutral party who assists both spouses in gathering/understanding the couple’s financial information in a supportive environment.
MARITAL SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT: A written document that outlines the divorcing spouses’ rights and agreements regarding property, support and children.
MEDIATOR: A neutral, impartial person trained in negotiation, conflict resolution and communication. The mediator does not represent any party or take sides, nor does (s)he function as an attorney, judge, coach or therapist. (S)He explains the mediation process to the parties and assists couples to clarify issues, concerns, interests, needs and values. The mediator brings in and works with various professionals as needs arise.
PRO PER: Literally means “do it yourself.” This term is often used in mediation and collaborative law to indicate that individuals have determined to represent themselves.
UNCONTESTED DIVORCE: A divorce in which all issues have been agreed upon by the parties.
Comparison of Divorce Options
PREPARING FOR DIVORCE
Before You File
Open a new checking/savings account in your name only. Change any individual direct deposits to this account.
Open a credit card in your name only to use for emergencies only.
Decide your desires when it comes to your shared home. Have a plan in place should you need to move out.
Privacy
Consider a P.O. Box if you need to receive mail confidentially.
Change your passwords – on every account you own. However, do not change passwords on joint accounts. Change your phone password. Use random passwords not related to anything in your life.
Make your social media accounts private. Don't delete info so you control who sees them.
Financial Information
Make a list of joint monthly bills.
Make sure you know your and your spouse's net worth, income and expenses.
Make a list of all joint financial accounts with current and past 12-month balances.
Make a list of all credit cards in both of your names.
Make a list and find documentation on retirement accounts, IRA's, 401k's, pensions.
Information about your Children
Update contact info with their schools.
Know your children's class schedules and extracurricular activities with dates, times, etc.
Plan ahead for custody issues and childcare.
Copies of Documents
Credit Report
Recent pay stubs for you and your spouse
Tax returns for at least the last 3 years
Bank statements, credit card statements and any other financial accounts
If you/your spouse own a business: copies of certificates, company agreements, shareholder agreements, profit/loss statements, and any other information reflecting the financial condition of the company
Trust agreements. Real estate documents like deeds and mortgage documents
Car titles and loan information
Make a list of all personal property (furniture, art, jewelry, etc.)
Take Pictures
Take pictures of items of value.
Take pictures of each room of your home and its contents.
Disclaimer
NEWIM does not provide legal or counseling advice. You may need to seek a professional and competent attorney who is well-versed in family law to provide advice for your specific case. You may also need to seek a licensed therapist with expertise in marriage and family counseling. NEWIM provides this information for educational purposes. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional services or care.