Love, Loss, and Belonging: What Our Family Has Learned About Adoption

Like many families in the United States, our family has reason to notice that November is National Adoption Month. I'll share how adoption has impacted and blessed our family. My hope is that what we have learned over the years will offer insight to others, especially about the importance of listening to adoptees.

In 2002 and again in 2008, our white family, living in a small town, welcomed daughters from India: Saani, who was three when she joined us, and Jyoti, who was six. Although they are not biological siblings, they came from the same orphanage in New Delhi. They joined our two older biological children, a daughter and a son.

As we prepared to adopt, we completed the readings recommended by our adoption agency. These resources emphasized love, patience, and the importance of bonding. Along with prayer, home study visits from social workers, and conversations with other adoptive families, they helped us prepare to welcome a child into a new home, culture, and language.

Only years later did we recognize a significant gap in our adoption preparation: we had learned much about adoption from the perspective of adoptive parents, but far less from the perspective of adoptees.

In her book, You Should Be Grateful: Stories of Race, Identity, and Transracial Adoption, Angela Tucker explores adoptees’ experiences of family, belonging, race, and loss. Her work speaks to something our family has come to understand: the adoptee’s voice is essential.

Yet that voice can be difficult to hear, especially in the early years. A language barrier may prevent children from expressing their needs and feelings. They may be uncertain about how their adoptive parents will respond to difficult questions. Or they may simply be too young to find words for emotions that are already very real.

Their voices can also be overshadowed by well-intentioned comments. When someone tells an adopted child how grateful she must be for her new family, that statement can leave little room for the grief and loss that also accompany adoption. Questions about the cost of international adoption can be particularly painful when asked in the child’s presence. Whatever the speaker’s intention, a child may hear her life and belonging reduced to a price.

One of the most important lessons we have learned is that love and grief can coexist. An adoptee can love and appreciate her adoptive family while grieving separation from her first family. Belonging in one family does not erase the loss of another, nor does it remove the desire to understand where one’s story began.

To illustrate this, I’ll share a little about our first adoption and our daughter Saani.

As Saani grew, we began to recognize her struggles with identity and belonging. She looked different from us. Her story of origin was uniquely hers, while the rest of us shared biological connections. Although we loved her deeply, that love could not answer every question she carried.

Because the records described her as having been abandoned, we had no information about her biological family and no way to know her exact birth date. As a preteen, Saani told us she no longer wanted to celebrate her birthday, something we had done since she arrived at age three. Because the date had been estimated, she explained, it did not feel like a birthday she could celebrate.

Around the same time, she stopped wanting to talk about India. “India has too many questions and not enough answers,” she told us.

Those words helped us understand the weight of what she was carrying. As we walked alongside her, assuring her of our love and God’s deep love and plan for her, we also needed to acknowledge her pain. We could not fill in the missing pieces of her story. We could, however, listen, honor her feelings, and make room for questions that had—and still have—no answers.

Through the ordinary ups and downs of the teenage years, counseling and therapy, and much love and prayer, Saani has grown to embrace her place in our family while continuing to grieve the biological family she does not know. She is a wonderful young woman, daughter, sister, and friend.

Yet the journey continues well beyond the teen years, as a moment just two months ago reminded us. Our oldest daughter, Rachael, and I went wedding dress shopping with Saani (now age 27), who became engaged in May. It was a beautiful day, full of laughter and anticipation. After trying on several gowns, Saani found “the one.” Standing on the pedestal, she beamed, twirling in the dress with joy that lit up her face. Then, as she paused to look in the mirror, her expression changed, and she began to cry, covering her face with her hands. Rachael and I quickly moved to either side of her. I recognized the heartache beneath her tears. “I know, Saan,” I said. “Someone is missing.” In a moment filled with love and the presence of family, the absence of her birth mother was deeply felt. We left the store with a beautiful dress and a cherished memory, but the day also reminded us that, for Saani, happiness and loss often exist side by side.

Our family’s story continues to teach us that adoption asks us to hold love and loss together and reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).  Prayer and trust in God and his Word have been—and continue to be—our anchor, helping us find peace amid fear and hope amid heartache as we walk alongside our adopted daughters. This truth has sustained us throughout our adoption journey, and we continue to lean on it, trusting God each day for what lies ahead.

This National Adoption Month, I hope we will listen more closely to adoptees, welcome the complexity of their stories, and give them space to express both their belonging and their grief.

Betsy's 24-year career was in Christian higher education at Houghton University in New York. During this time, she had the privilege to serve in multiple roles including enrollment management and ministry resources that connected churches and pastors with the university’s resources—pastor & spouse retreats, youth conferences, pastor sabbaticals, speakers’ bureau, summer ministry teams, and ministry classes. In addition, and leading up to her retirement in 2021, Betsy served as the university president’s Chief of Staff for five years.  

Betsy holds a business degree from the State University of New York at Alfred. She completed spiritual formation courses through the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) and Fuller Seminary. During the Fuller course, she was introduced to NEWIM. She has served as secretary on the NEWIM Board since 2023.

Betsy lives in rural Western New York with her husband, Michael. They have four children, seven grandchildren, and three dogs. Betsy loves time with her grandchildren. Her other interests include travel, flower gardening, planning family events, and a great visit with family and friends over coffee.